amysettledown

Nightmares and Sweetness.

2011-07-10T18:59:00.000-07:00

Shit it's been a while. That's also an understatement.

I've just been really busy this summer. Just kidding, I haven't actually done anything this summer other than develop a stomach ulcer and count down the days until I fly out to England to see my amazing boyfriend (who spoils me, hence my trip to England).

The reason I've decided to come back for a blog post is to sort out the thoughts in my head. It's nothing serious, just a little subconcious bullshit, again.

Let's get some things straight first though. I am ridiculously happy. One year ago, I would not have even fathomed what this past school year had in store for me and how incredibly happy I'd end up because of it (despite the nightmare of my roommate, of course). I could not ask for a better boyfriend. I really couldn't. No one has ever treated me like he does. I'm so happy it's disgusting and I've been so obnoxious this summer counting down to going to see him again that I'm even getting on my own nerves.

Now that I've established how sickeningly sweet and awesome my life is, let's go through this fucking ridiculous dream I had last night. I had a dream about the guy I lost my v-card to a few years back. I have these dreams about once every six months or so. They usually freak me out. The dreams are never sexual, just kind of awkward, as if we're meeting up again, a few years later. Last night, for instance, he was at my house and we were drunk and sitting in my room in the dark. Then he lost his pants so most of the dream was a mission to find his pants. It was perhaps the most bizarre ex-boyfriend dream I've ever had.

The best part, though, is that on my mission to interpret this dream, neither "ex-boyfriend" or "pants" are in my Dream Dictionary.

Dreammoods.com says this little gem: "To dream that you are wearing velvet pants, signifies your sensual side." --Thanks dreammoods.com, you are truly helpful. I appreciate that. They also said that "To dream of pants implies your tendency to be ambivalent in some circumstances," which could certainly apply. But really, could you be more vague. Freud would know, or say something equally as fucking crazy.

Either way, I don't know what it means other than I once saw this guy without pants, and then I had a really awkward dream about it. But it wasn't sexual at all. A simple, "losing of the pants" when alcohol is involved is normal. At least my head got something right.

Anyway, I leave for England in 8 days so my dreams can suck it.

I'm Not Ready For This.

2011-04-10T14:07:00.000-07:00

I've been counting a lot lately. Counting down the days until I can get out of this room and away from my crazy, fucking annoying roommate. 27 days. You'd think I'd rejoice. But it's not that simple.

27 days until my boyfriend goes back to England. 27 days until I may never see him again. 27 days until the reality that I can't afford a plane ticket hits home. Hits hard. It's going to hurt.

I feel the hurt bubbling up in the pit of my stomach already. I feel it like a dull ache. It burns like heart burn, heart-ache does. Acidic and corrosive. It breaks me down. Makes me want to light up and smolder like fire safe paper around the cigarettes I'm not supposed to be smoking.

I don't want to see him go.

When we had our talk in February we knew it would hurt worse if we kept going. We knew it would be twice as bad and I'm getting really scared. I don't want to lose someone I care about this much. He's one of the best things to ever happen to me. Someone who came into my life at the right time and it was instant. Magnetic. Electric. So electric. And it's going to burn out, explode, cause electrical fires in the library.

What's next? Do I say goodbye on the tarmac and never see him again? What am I supposed to do? I'm supposed to be stronger than this. Supposed to be independent and fabulous. I feel sick. It makes me sick.

oh it's a lovely day, isn't it?

2011-01-27T06:42:00.000-08:00

after taking yet another extended hiatus, I'm back. Hooray. Hoo-freaking-ray. Most of the people who read this blog know that I forget to blog a lot because I'm trying to actually get my school work and stuff done. However, I always come back when i need to screw my head on straight.

So here I am, wondering what to do, yet again. I am in the best relationship I have ever had (and as we all know, I've been in a lot of relationships and dating a lot of people... it's unfortunate). I have never been happier with someone in my entire life. It's true. I think the only thing that is a close rival is when I got published for the first time-- that was an exciting morning. This guy just makes me super happy, like SUPER happy, I can't even explain it without cliches and sappiness. I'm a big sap.

The problem is that 1. He lives across the ocean. (We go to school together right now.) and 2. He's most likely not going to school here next year.

It breaks me.

It feels almost horrible knowing that my relationship that I am so happy in has an expiration date. It makes me wonder why. It makes me wonder why I should be staying in this relationship if all it's going to do is break my heart. It makes me wonder if every single relationship I ever enter will be like this, because the record is starting t show a pattern. I guess normal relationships are for normal people and abnormal people like me don't get those. I wonder if I stay with him, what will happen. I don't want to get my heart broken again, and if I just continue in this relationship, if I'm just prolonging the hurt.

It just sucks. As much as I want to go off and get an MFA and do all these amazing things, I want to do them with someone. I don't want to keep feeling like I'm going to be alone all my life. And it fucking sucks. I just want to keep feeling the way I do now and I don't want it to end.

Well, good morning everyone. Wasn't that just cheerful as hell?

i get into the holiday spirit right about... now.

2010-11-07T19:30:00.000-08:00

I like Christmas in theory.

But I work retail, therefore I fucking hate it.

So I like to discuss Christmas before everyone else does because, quite frankly, this is the only time when I want to talk about Christmas: when I'm 2 1/2 hours away from my job and all things related to Christmas-time at my job.

First of all, I FUCKING love Christmas music. I could (and do) listen to it all year. Except at Christmas time because I hear it for 8 hours a day, almost everyday for the three weeks I'm working there before Christmas. I talk about Christmas music a lot. I can sing all of the songs word for fucking word on key at any point. Quiz me. I love jamming in my car to it, riding by Christmas lights or the downtown historic area where all the store fronts are in competition to see who has the most spirit. I love that shit. I could eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Ahhh delicious!

I also love all things shiny, and therefore, Christmas is my jam. Christmas lights, tinsel, you name it, it's probably shiny and Christmas related. Hell, even Christmas CDs are shiny (or the back of my i-pod). THINGS ARE SHINIER AT CHRISTMAS, it's a fact.

The thing is though, I dread holiday shopping. Mostly because I don't like lines, angry customers that are shopping around me (because I work with them around me all day), and the massive amount of HEAT the is generated in a shopping area, causing me to take off my coat and lug it around. It's December (or it will be in a month-ish), it's cold but seriously? It doesn't need to be 100 degrees in the mall at all times. I don't want to smell the lady that forgot to wear deodorant sweating through her shirt. Kthanks.

I'm also a terrible Christmas present picker-outer. The only thing I can ever think of is to give people books. However, I like to buy used books, so people think I'm just cheap. However, I like used books because: 1. I can buy you more books because they are cheap. 2. The line at Borders is ten miles long. 3. Used books have a smell that is, well, delicious. I love that old book smell. 4. Used books have a history. So you're not only getting the thrill of a good story within the pages, but a good story in the book itself- ESPECIALLY if the person who owned it before WROTE in the book. *sigh* I love this shit. But honestly, I love giving books. But I always end up picking the wrong books. No one else likes Chekov in a Christmas wrapped box like I do, or Whitman or ADRIENNE FREAKING RICH. Seriously, I wish I could pick out a good book that I liked that someone I'm related to would enjoy. I just don't think giving my mom a Sylvia Plath book will suffice. (I did give my mom a Sylvia Plath book because she WANTED IT. I went to every bookstore in the area to find a good copy of the Ariel poems... and in the end, it was too depressing for her. Great.)

So I need original ideas. If anyone has an original idea for a present for my mom, dad, 12 year old sister, or boyfriend, please leave it below in the comments because I am clueless and in a Christmas mood- which is inevitably fleeting. :)

Just say it, you're scared.

2010-10-03T07:13:00.000-07:00

It has recently occurred to me just how much I live in the present and I'm wondering if I have a fucking future. Well, I have one, but is it going to be interesting, or fun, or amazing, or terrible? Will I get married? Will I have a great job? Will I have kids? Will I travel? Where will I move? I want a life that's interesting and fun but I'm actually getting really scared.

This thought occurred yesterday as I'm laying in bed and I realize just how scared I am of my future. He seems more sure than I am. He want to travel see the whole world. Me? I'm sitting there thinking I'll never have the opportunities to do any of that. I feel like I'm going to be stuck in one place all my life. Even the plan of moving to New York is terrifying because I know that's going to severely separate me from my family. No one's going to want to visit. Maybe my sister. I'd hope at least my sister would visit me.

I'm also having fears stemming from my oh-so-wonderful personal life. I really just want to be happy with someone but I'm so scared. I'm scared of being hurt. I'm scared of being abandoned. I'm scared of distance, infidelity, another broken heart. I'm so tired of ruining things. My past makes me crazy and I'm letting go of the hurt balloons one by one but there are so many and it's going to take a long time to fully heal from everything. Every lie, every relationship gone sour, the sexual assault. I don't want to ruin another good thing. I don't want to ruin it. I, too, want to grow up and get married and have kids. But right now, I think everyone's thinking the same thing about "that Amy girl." I'm too exotic. I'm too smart. I'm too something to get married. I'm not talking now or next year but I want to be married before I'm 30. I'm not one to rush things. I'm not even facebook official with the boy right now. I don't rush into anything because I don't want to get hurt. Maybe everyone is right.

I'm just scared.

Ten reasons my roommate is fucking hilarious.

2010-09-14T19:25:00.000-07:00

I should probably preface this by stating that I have an exchange student from China this year as a roommate. She's really sweet but we have A LOT of cultural differences, which are as hilarious as they are annoying, so I try to look on the bright side and acknowledge that my dorm room is better than cable. No seriously, I have yet to hook up my TV. Here are the top ten reasons my roommate is fucking hysterical.

1. Soft-core porn noises. Apparently this applies to Chinese students who are not my roommate also, so if you get a Chinese roommate, be prepared, your room will also sound like a soft-core porn most of the time. She makes this really whiny/moan-y noises that are just too ridiculous for words and pretty much sound like something you'd hear on Cinemax at three in the morning.

2. She likes to teach me random facts about China. But only when I'm drunk. I don't know why she thinks this is the opportune time to teach me her culture, but I'm usually pretty down with it.

3. She washes her underwear in the sink between laundry days. Need I say more?

4. She attempts to make soup in a rice cooker. I did not try it because I do not believe it is safe to cook MEAT in a rice cooker. She does.

5. Remember that scene in Sixteen Candles when Anthony Michael Hall holds up Molly Rinwald's underwear? That's kinda what my roommate's closet looks like. Currently, the only thing hanging in her, mind you, OPEN closet is a pair of "granny panties" on a clothes hanger. If you are unaware of this scene, here you go:

6. There is a green acorn and three apples on her desk. I always like to look at her desk because there's usually something unusual one it. Today happened to be an acorn.

7. She NEVER walks. She's always at a full sprint, a slight skip, or napping. She does not walk. When we go to Wal-Mart, she does NOT, under ANY circumstances, push the cart. She will run people over. The girl is ruthless. But seriously, I've never seen her walk. Skipping and running, yes. Walk? Definitely not.

8. She will sharpen her pencil with a BOX CUTTER. Then later on, use the SAME box cutter to cut a radish for the above mentioned soup. It's priceless.

9. Oddly, the girl is electronically retarded. Her computer may not be the computer she uses at home, but it's in Chinese. Yet, she does not know how to operate it. Or the school's email system. Or the school's Blackboard system. This morning we went over what a syllabus is, a month into school. We also had a discussion about why to use a refrigerator and why not to microwave chicken wings in a plastic bag for five minutes. It's all good. She leaves me nice notes when I teach her little things like that. It's cute.

10. She moves furniture. A lot. She is currently moving her bed. Not to a different place. She's just moving it. She was pushing her desk six inches to the left earlier today. This is not an unusual occurrence. My only experiences moving furniture are move-in day and the one time an RA knocked on the door and asked if my boyfriend at the time and I were re-arranging the room. Moving furniture yes. Re-arranging, definitely not.

Despite her quirks, she's the funniest roommate ever. Annoying at times. But funny. And it's been a good experience so far. Signing up for international roommates gives you a chance to experience something completely new and if you have the chance, I recommend it. Open your eyes. There's a hell of a lot out there worth learning about. And I met the boy through her at some international student reception. (I mostly went for the free food.) So that worked out nicely, didn't it?

And just when life got boring. A happy blog post about stuff.

2010-09-13T09:10:00.000-07:00

I apologize for the slowing down of blog posts, life gets hectic with six classes, five being english classes (aka reading and life-eating intensive), a new boy, and a social life (if that's what I can call it). I'm trying to keep up with this thing. I really am.

While I should be reading (death) for my classes right now, I'm taking the time out of my day to enlighten you lovely people on a few exciting moments in my life.

First of all, my friend just started a new online poetry journal. I have a feeling that once submissions keep pouring in, I'll be helping her slush through the pile of mostly garbage that will flow through, because such is the life of creative writing people. If you're a poet, feel free to check it out at the Buffalo Creek Review website. It's a really cool project that just got started so feel free to submit WELL EDITED (please) pieces for the first issue ever, which is scheduled to come out this winter. The link is also in the sidebar and I'm TRYING to get my friend to let me make a twitter, because, let's face it, I'm a twitter whore and this will fuel my addiction and make me very happy.

Second, things with the above mentioned boy look good at the moment. I don't want to say anything and jinx it, because I probably will, knowing my ungodly past relationship history. It's embarrassing, quite frankly, and he has managed to run into all of them. Even the guys that don't even go here anymore. Damn my good luck.

The BEST news, I might add, is that my FAVORITE writer's conference AWP is going to be starting on my birthday. Yes, my wonderfully dreaded 21st birthday. So instead of spending my night in a dirty Farm-vegas bar with everyone I've ever said hello to on campus, I will be sipping some wonderful red wine and talking to writers about writing and all things nerdy, wonderful, and exciting to a creative writing geek like myself. If you're going to be at AWP, I promise I will have the classiest 21st birthday manageable and please drop by and say hello to me, talk about nerdy things, and find me another glass of wine. (This is in February, so there is definitely time to register and plan ahead, if you so desire. However, if you're not a writer, you'd probably be bored.)

Again, I apologize for the less than interesting post this time. I just wanted to fill you in on a few events, promote the new journal, and get stoked for my awesome 21st b-day, which is freaking 5 months away. WOOOOO!

Also, in case you were wondering, the first day of fall (autumn, as the British man calls it) is next Thursday, the 23rd of September so everyone get excited! IT'S ALMOST SWEATER WEATHER!!!! I cannot wait.

<3 It's a happy blog post!

Because Santa doesn't wait until the last minute...

2010-09-04T10:04:00.001-07:00

We are now taking a break from our regularly scheduled narcissism to bring you this special blog post about gifts because quite frankly, it's only 112 days until Christmas, I figured there couldn't be a better time for gift ideas. Am I right?

I am not a fan of giving the same thing as everyone else. I usually spend quite a bit of time thinking about what to get people for their birthdays and for Christmas (Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, whatever you celebrate...). I like to be original, so I've found some variations on a theme for you to take advantage of. I'm recommending all of these fantastic gift ideas because of their originality because who wants a boring gift? Not I.

We've all heard of the Fruit of the Month Club. You get to give the gift that just keeps on giving. I did a little research and found a few more entertaining gift of the month clubs that deserve a look.

1. Sex Toy of the Month Club!
I think this title says it all, but quite frankly, who wouldn't want this? I would. I mean, who wouldn't want Vibrating Lipstick in January and a strap on cordless vibrator in June? The possibilities are endless. This would be the perfect gift for almost anyone, from happy couples to the lonely cat lady down the street.

2. Awesomeness Reminders!
For your friends with really low self-esteem, you know, the ones writing those depressing letters about jumping off the apartment roof because life's just too painful to go on. This is the gift for them. Instead of having to boost their confidence daily, pay someone else to do it. With awesomeness reminders, fat guys who live in their mom's basement will call your friend everyday and let them know just how awesome they are, for a nominal fee, of course.

3. Necktie of the Month Club!
Because why give dad ONE ugly tie when you can give him a full year of them? Every month dad can walk into work looking like a million bucks thanks to the club that 90's pop group Sugar Ray's front-man Mark McGrath recommends. I mean, we all know that if Mark McGrath likes it, dad will too.

If none of these tickle your fancy, try the Olive Oil of the Month Club, BBQ Sauce of the Month Club, Dog Treat of the Month Club, or the Mini Perfume Club of the Month, because who doesn't want to smell like the little old ladies in church?

I just wanted to take a moment and wish everyone happy shopping and I hope all of your Christmas shopping goes well this year. Remember, only 112 days left!

apparently this is how you meet guys. (shitty blog post)

2010-08-30T21:37:00.000-07:00

This post will probably be short and full of grammatical/spelling errors and typos. I am sorry. It's been a long day and my eyes are crusting shut. kthanks.

But anyways, as soon as I accept my destiny as a single woman, in comes a man from right field. WAY right field. Like so far right it's practically across the ocean. Oh wait.

Where, you might ask. Well, I met him at an international student reception that I went to with my friend Ashley, supporting our international roommates as they got what our school calls "buddies" (aka pseudo-friends, in case they can't make any on their own.) Whist at this assembly (that my friend referred to as an "asian haven" because she likes asians), I was informed that there is one french student and a couple of students from England. This left me with the urge to find them, befriend them, and become a more cultured young lady. Who am I kidding? I did however find the British guy. I also knew his buddy and because I thought he was British, I won. (Ashley thought he was French.) None of this really matters.

All this really leads up to is the fact that this guy and I have been hanging out quite a bit. I'm happy. I'm supposing he is too. And I'm learning how to be "proper" (and that the word proper must be spoken with a British accent, as do several other words.)

There. I found a man. Phase one is complete. Please prepare for a lunar landing.

Will post more when brain/eyes/everything don't hurt anymore. Just rejoice in my newfound happiness and the fact that people I don't even know are talking about me and him.

You're Never Gonna Make It!

2010-08-25T06:47:00.000-07:00

Since I have returned to school I have gotten acquainted with a couple of freshman who make me feel old as fuck for still living in the dorms but it's okay, I like my dorm. My Chinese roommate is really awesome so far and adjusting well to American life, I think. However, I've run into some freshmen who need some serious advice or they are seriously not going to be here next semester.

So this is my advice to freshmen at my school and everywhere, because, frankly, they need it:

1. Do NOT sleep with a bunch of people when you get there. This goes ESPECIALLY for people at a small school because, believe it or not, everybody knows everybody and therefore knows everybody's business. They will know whose penis you've been touching.

2. If you choose to go out and ho it up, please wrap it before you tap it. STDs can spread rapidly on a college campus so you need to be really careful about who you're getting freaky with.

3. Be respectful to your roommate. Don't sexile them every day for five hours. Don't bring alcohol in the room if they're not cool with it. Don't interfere with their school work by interrupting study sessions. Just be respectful.

4. Get your shit done. Its easy to let your work pile up and go out and drink but, seriously, you're here to learn (and party) but the main thing is learning. You're not going to be here to enjoy all the fun things that go on if you're not getting your work done. Seriously, work then play. It's simple. I party hard. But I get my shit done and I made dean's list last semester so, yeah, I have room to talk.

5. Don't make an ass of yourself. It will follow you. Seriously. If you're ridiculous, it's better to go somewhere by yourself or with a close friend, not sit in public and try to sing like Cher all night as I witnessed a freshman doing last night. Seriously. That girl will have a horrible nickname by this morning.

Those are some basic rules. Follow them and you should be fine socially and academically. Remember, you failing a class is not the professor's fault. If you take the time to get all of your work done you should have at LEAST a C.

-Amy

making plans.

2010-08-18T21:26:00.000-07:00

I am determined to make this my best year at college yet. Going in with a positive attitude will definitely help but I'm compiling a list of all the things I want to do this year to make it even better. Here is the list so far:

1. Build a super awesome fort in my dorm room. Will only stand for one night and will be used as a place to drink and possibly suffocate. I will also attempt to find out how many people will fit into said fort.

2. Wear some form of pajamas to a frat. I want to do it because I will feel accomplished. Don't ask questions.

3. On an academic note, I want to get dean's list again. It's going to be really hard, I'm worried about my advanced fiction class because fiction isn't my strong point and the professor is tough, but I feel like I can do it if I work hard enough.

4. Minimize zee drama. After 2 years of boy drama with the on again, off again ex. He isn't there anymore and I'm not trying to pick up another guy like him. I mean, we're friends now but the distance will be nice and I'm going to keep my head on straight now. Boys don't need to interfere in my life. (I'm sure this goal will further ignite the "lesbian" joke about me. haha)

5. Survive my 21st birthday. Enough said.

6. Not get arrested. After the past two years of "I can't believe we didn't get arrested" moments, I'd like to continue the streak of luck. Let's keep Amy out of jail!

7. Stay happy. I think that's the best goal to have.

If you have any suggestions of how to make my college year better, more ridiculous, more exciting, or weirder than a college year could be leave your suggestions in a comment below and I'll edit the list (with credit- and a blog link if you have one) if I like your idea and think I can pull it off without getting arrested, kicked out of school, or cause physical harm to me or any other person involved. That's pretty much the limitations. Can't wait to hear what you come up with!

Also, pictures will be posted upon completion of goals (at least, the ones that can be photographed) and posted here for your enjoyment (and probably mt humiliation).

going all the way.

2010-08-16T21:51:00.000-07:00

I was just wondering when exactly was the point in which "going all the way" became less of a big deal. I remember asking my friend in high school how far I should go with a guy after we'd been dating a month. Now, it's like waiting is out of the question. It's like sex is an expected thing early in the relationship.

My first date with the last guy I was really serious with lasted until 7 in the morning when we both has 9 am classes. I'm not 100% sure if we "went all the way" that night because it was a really long time ago (like a year and a half: long enough for us to be on again/off again and officially broken up for good). The point is, there is no hesitation, it seems. I've dated guys since then who I've done the same thing with, though not to the same extent and without the drama.

I'm just wondering what it is that changed. What goes off in our brains and when? Does it start when we lose our virginities? Or does it start some time after that? After the second partner? After the break up with the first? Perhaps it's different for everyone. Perhaps it's a peer pressure thing- "give it up now or he may not stick around." Either way, it's interesting how my thoughts on sex and intimacy have changed. It's like we don't even wait to emotionally connect before we do physically anymore.

And I KNOW I'm not alone in this.

NOTE: This post does NOT spawn from any sort of relationship blooming anywhere near me. I'm still single, sex-less, and surprisingly thriving off the satisfaction that I'm happy, cute, and rather obsessed with wearing plain white t-shirts. I can't pick a style right now, much less a man (unless one magically falls into my life, much like Isaac Newton's apple... I'm not counting on it.)

If I had an online dating profile

2010-08-15T09:32:00.000-07:00

If I had an online dating profile it would look something like this:

Name: Amy E.
Age: 20
Height: 5'5"
Weight: 105lbs

Pretty decent start. Pretty basic. Pretty much says I'm a skinny motherfucker. I can't give blood at the Red Cross and I'm not quite old enough to go to a bar. (6 months, baby!!)

Then I would have to include a picture. I would want to include something that doesn't look staged. Nothing over done or photoshopped that shows I have a sense of humor and that I'm a regular person. It would probably look something like this:
I'm not saying that this photo is the most flattering, however it does show that 1. I'm not a total beast without make-up. 2. I don't take myself too seriously, because let's get real... when you have a dating life like mine, it's all a big joke in the end. 3. My boobs are kinda small but at least I'm skinny and can rock a bikini. 4. I won't be disappointing anyone in the end. I mean, whoever decides this picture is attractive will (hopefully) be pleasantly surprised.

Then we move onto personality, which we all know we wouldn't take incredibly seriously on a dating site. I mean, I don't want someone to know I'm a complete psycho until at least the third date. (That is the allotted time for waiting... waiting to sleep with the guy... waiting to let him know you have your dead cat's head on a post in the backyard because you just like scaring the kids next door... You know, generally.) So I'd pick things that made myself look good. Do I get stressed easily? No! Of course not! I don't frequently burst into tears at the thought of another finals week... I don't waste time doing unimportant things such as blogging and filling out online dating questionaires because they're funny. I DEFINITELY do not get angry easily. I DON'T!

Then we move onto "words that decribe yourself" with a special reminded that I need to "be as honest as possible." Sure. I can do that. I choose words such as "Submissive," "Warm," and "Clever." I'm trying to fool this guy into thinking I'm a great catch. I go on to select "outgoing" and "stable" because we all know that I'm a stable human being. I'm a little "ambitious" too but I don't want to select "very ambitious" because I don't want the guy to think that I don't know my place is ACTUALLY in the kitchen. There are several pages of these. I choose some more: "attractive" (as demonstrated by the above picture), "witty," and "loyal" because I can be a smart-ass but at least I'll keep it in my pants. I'm also "sensual," "spontaneous," and "liberal." Or how about "passionate" and "somewhat moral," as opposed to "very moral," which might make me sound like a nun. I am not a passionate and sensual nun. And let's not leave off "artistic" and "creative."

Then it gets funny.

It asks how my friends would describe me, assuming I have friends. So I make stuff up.

Then I get asked to rate some of the best statements ever: "I tend to think 'outside the box.'" Well. Yeah. I do that. "I have a high desire for sexual activity." Doesn't everyone? "I enjoy a good joke." Actually, I enjoy bad ones just as much. Dead baby jokes are my favorite. "I view myself as well adjusted." Of course! I've gotten quite used to the psych ward, thanks. "I like to look at others of the opposite sex." Well yeah, I like objectifying men. And the mother of all statements "It is important for me to 'take time to smell the roses.'" And by smelling the roses, I mean sitting around in my underwear eating doritos when I should be cleaning, writing, working, or becoming a productive member of society.

I was also asked how often I felt "happy," "sad," "loved," and "plotted against" in the last month. I think we all know which one was the most frequent.

When it started getting into crazy shit like marriage, I decided to bs even further and chose not to read the questions, click sporadically. I may or may not have indicated that I want to have 10 babies with 6 different baby daddies.

Either way. I'm going to find a winner.

What grinds my gears.

2010-08-14T10:27:00.000-07:00

Today I am in a fuck. An undeniable, incurable funk. Almost a rage. Almost chuck the heaviest shoes against the wall, want to scream and smoke a pack of cigarettes in one sitting kind of funk. Here is a list of possible reasons why:

-People think that I am a 14 year old girl when I am out in public and therefore treat me accordingly which is demeaning and seriously pisses me off. -People think I'm a slut because I'm comfortable talking about sex. Woo. Big fucking deal. And the days someone actually defines a slut, I'll really take your comments seriously. -People who go shopping and take out their frustrations with how shitty their lives are out on the employees. It's not my fault your life fucking sucks so shut up. -The fact that I'm out of cigarettes. -The fact that I'm still sick. -The fact that I'm alone. -The fact that I need coffee. -I have way too much stuff to do before I move back to school and I'm overwhelmed and no one in this house understands. -I'm broke as shit. -I'm SERIOUSLY broke as shit. -My dog is really really sick and I'm afraid something will happen to her while I'm away at college. -My parents haven't ordered my books for school yet because I don't want to bring it up because my dad gets pissed every time we order them. -Move in day turns my parents into control freaks who want to put away all of my things when I may have items of sin hidden halfway down in the clothes hamper. Hands off1 -I have to work today. Don't really know why this pisses me off. -My room is a mess. -I want a place of my own. Really really bad. -I feel like I am the scapegoat in my family. -I am definitely a black sheep. Which I don't mind sometimes but right now it pisses me off. -I'm still single. I mean, I don't really care either way but I am REALLY sexually frustrated. -Men in general make me pretty angry. -But so do women. -I guess I generally dislike just about everything today.

Happy Saturday, Fuckers.

Thoughts on Loss.

2010-08-13T21:19:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about loss today. Not loss of faith in god because I was never fully established in one to begin with. Not loss of innocence because I know mine is long gone, dropped somewhere along the way. I've been thinking, though, about a loss of faith in romance. I lost it somewhere.

I have lost the hope that I am meant to be with someone. I've lost that somewhere between dating all the cheaters and the liars, the leavers, the "i want to be with you but not officially" guys. I lost the mentality to look for the good guys. I lost the motivation to see the best in men, in almost anyone, really. I'm losing it.

I'm not posting this so all the married, engaged, and long term relationship readers can tell me their sappy stories of how their husband/fiance proposed or how he brings her flowers on Tuesdays because she hates Tuesdays. It makes me sick. I feel like stories like that feed the fuel that we are all going to have a chick flick romance. I feel like they're just feeding the mentality that we're looking for that guy that treats us like princesses. Maybe I just want a guy who treats me like an Amy. Maybe I want a guy with manners, with a dick he can keep in his pants, with self-respect and respect for others. It seems too good to be true.

I feel like my loss of faith in romance is stemming from my poor taste in men. I gravitate to boys who want me for sex, want me for arm candy, for bragging rights. I feel like it's partially my fault. I feel like it's my fault because I've stopped giving guys a chance. I've put up so many walls due to the sexual assault, the unfaithfuls, the liars. I don't want to break them down. I've let it scare me. I've let it halt my entire love life, my sex life.

I miss the good things about my love life. I miss the closeness. I miss trust. I miss physicality. I started thinking about my sex life before, you know, when I had one. :) It was rough. It was clean though. There were moments where every wall I had built crumbled in the bedsheets below me. I miss that. I miss feeling vulnerable around someone. Being taken. I don't know how long it's going to be until I have that again.

I think the only way to pull myself out of this funk is to continue on the same route I've been going. I think it's to stop thinking about it. Stop thinking about the ache. I think it can only go up. I think I can only continue to grow. I need to learn to be me for me- not for anyone else. Get the disney movie, chick flick, wedding obsessed society out of my head, put on a strong pair of heels and walk taller and more independently. I'll never be able to keep anyone else around if my own head isn't screwed on straight.

Getting sexual.

2010-08-11T20:52:00.000-07:00

After spending my vacation on a cruise ship with 750 frat guys while reading through three of the most feminist books I could possibly find, I have to ask, what is the line between sexy and exploiting oneself?

Because I am a twenty year old woman who doesn't have anyone close to my age in my family, I spent most of my time alone on this vacation, which honestly never phased me. This time was spent in the dance club aka "disco" in short dresses, heels, and surrounded by guys buying me drinks. After getting tipsy and conversing with one for several hours about politics, feminism, and religion, this guy attempted to pull the "I respect you" card in order to sleep with me.

Because I am not an idiot and this is CERTAINLY not my first time at the rodeo, I declined and he asked me a question which has hounded me for days. He said "I don't understand you. You say you want to party but you won't go somewhere alone with me?" And all I could think of was "Do I really put off those vibes?"

Seriously.

I did some thinking about the line between using femininity to an advantage and exploiting that femininity. Are the dresses we wear for us or for guys? Do we wear them to feel sexy or to be told we're sexy? Is it all in our minds or is it a standard within our society? I feel like I try to convince myself that my clothes are for me. I feel like I try to convince myself that I use my sexuality for power. I want to be in control. I want to hold the power. And I suppose I do when making the decision to go home with a guy or not but who really holds the power?

I'm really hoping I do. I want the power to pick and choose men. Dump them. Destroy them. Exploit them. It sounds sick but seriously, how many of us read Texts From Last Night (http://www.textsfromlastnight.com) where posts such as "(202): I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desperate need of a shower, then I have succeeded." Can girls feel the same way? I mean, I'm not saying I go out and have one night stands and have high risk sex all the time, because that's pretty much the opposite of me. I love sex, but I feel that the sex is better when I know the person and that person knows me and there's an emotional bond there. I'm not saying I was in love with every man I've slept with and I've certainly been hurt by a couple of them and that's what makes me think these things. After several months of a man free, sex free life (which is wonderful and horrible at the same time), I feel like this is my time to find my own sexual power. Not whether or not I'm good in bed, but power. I want the ability to harness it, use it, and feel it all the way through me. I'm working on it and it makes me feel good. It makes me feel strong.

And to me, a strong woman is a sexy one. Is it really about confidence like the women's magazines say (ie: cosmo) or is it just a myth? Are powerful, confident women intimidating and if so, are the men who are intimidated by that even worth our time?

How to hit on someone while buying tampons.

2010-07-19T08:06:00.000-07:00

During the dreaded time of the month, us women can usually be found eating ice cream out of the carton, chewing Midol like candy, and wearing the rattiest pair of sweatpants that have ever roamed the earth. This usually takes place on a couch. However, the inevitable empty box of tampons we are left with halfway through the week makes us break free from the lair we've been hiding in and go to the drug store/grocery store/whatever store to buy a fresh box.

This always occurs when the only cashier is male and the only things I'm buying are a box of tampons, a shower curtain liner, a garter belt, some whipped cream, and a gallon of milk. None, of course, are related but he tends to draw his own correlation.

I take this time to make my move on said cashier, hypothetically. This is the opportune time because 1. Due to the purchase of tampons, he knows for a fact that I am actually female and fertile so when we get married and decide to have children, I can produce beautiful children for him. 2. I bathe myself because I'm buying a shower curtain liner. People who do not bathe do not need shower curtain liners. 3. I'm pretty interesting in the bedroom department. The purchase of a garter belt shows him that I'll play dress up just for him. And the whipped cream? I'll let him think that it's for something sexual when really it's just to put it on top of my chocolate chip ice cream.

My move is slow. I play coy. Laugh off my tampons and the unusual array of products I manged to come out with. I check his name tag and creepily call him by his name. He awkwardly laughs, hands me my receipt, and I walk away.

I'm so fucking smooth.

re-vamping amysettle down?

2010-07-09T18:04:00.001-07:00

This blog is currently looking like a hot mess because it is a hot mess. I'm still working through so many things with it because I got tired of the plain jane white background. It just bothered me.

So, as I work though this layout thing that's happening, I apologize if it doesn't look quite right. I know the header needs fixing as well as font and all that fun shit.

Please leave any suggestions you might have in the comments. I'm always open to suggestions, including suggestions on what I should post about besides my horrible love life (unless someone out there actually likes that).

That's all for now. I'm outie.

da fuck does a guy look for? (the start of a series, i believe.)

2010-07-08T13:10:00.001-07:00

Since I can only talk so much about my entirely non-existent love life, I've decided it's time to do a series on what guys are looking for in girls. I'm speaking, at first, on mainly first impressions. What does a guy look for in a girl's appearance? I mean, I cannot speak for the entire male population, nobody can because we are all pretty unique and crazy in our own ways but it's an interesting concept to think about: nabbing these men we seek.

My first thought is about hair.

I rock a short hair cut. I like it short. It's easy to take care of, easy to dye, and works with my personality. And, frankly, if my hair was longer, it would be unmanageable and probably make me look like a 12 year old again. I'm not trying to look like I'm grabbing up pedophiles on a daily basis.

But I wonder if guys prefer longer hair over short hair. I mean, we have to take into account the fact that it's 2010 and times have changed as far as femininity. In the 1800's tan skin was considered low class, now we have tanning beds all over the place because a tan makes a girl look healthy, gives her a glow. I sit in the sun in 100 degree weather trying to achieve that bronzed look. So is the long hair thing still applicable? Is longer hair still a sign of being ultra feminine? Do guys look for long hair more so than short hair? I don't know, I'm a woman, so these are questions I'm trying to seek answers to.

I've also been wondering about hair color. I am a known hair dye fanatic. I dye my hair more than anyone ever should. It's mostly because hair color is the easiest thing to change in my life and I'm almost always seeking some sort of change. I've spent a lot of time as a red head but I've had dark brown, light brown and even purple hair. Right now I'm sitting at an almost strawberry blonde. The stereotype is that guys like blonde girls with long hair. But is that really true? Do they really prefer blondes over any other color? And does a bottle blonde count? From my experience living as a red head for the past year or two, I've heard that many guys really don't go for "gingers." However, I don't consider myself a ginger, a lot of people just know me as a red head. I wonder if it's a "I wonder if the curtains match the drapes" situation. Do guys worry about the girl's red hair being red everywhere? I think that's a funny question to ask but it has come up in conversations over the legitimacy of my hair color. I don't know. I've landed guys who have said red heads aren't their type. I mean, those relationships failed, but I'm pretty sure it was for other reasons.

But generally, I'm curious as to what guys really look for. Do they like long hair over short, natural over dyed hair, blondes over brunettes over red heads? I don't know. I think it's up to personal taste, perhaps. Perhaps it's the way the girls rocks her look. Being a red head made me confident, made me stand out and made me happy. Maybe it's up to how the hair style makes her feel.

What do you think? I'd love to hear responses to this so feel free to post comments below and start a conversation. It's not going to make me grow my hair out or dye it blonde but the concept interests me and considering how many magazine articles there are on this subject, it interests a lot of women. I'd also like to know if any of the girls have changed their hair for a guy, or even considered it. I've considered getting bangs because I guy told me I'd look good with bangs. It happens. I'd like some shared experiences. Post away! <3

The Pros and Cons

2010-07-02T21:44:00.000-07:00

Because I cannot have a normal love life, or any love like for that matter, I have managed to get myself into another situation which involves pro/con lists. I create pro/con lists for a ton of reasons. The number one is to give me a better perspective on what the hell I'm doing as far as men.

I know I'm not the only one who gets blinded by the newness of romance. The idea of potential with someone new. The feeling of getting to know someone. First kisses with someone. Holding hands. Flirting. I get blinded by all of it. I get tied up in knots like kite string.

So in order to fully realize what I'm getting myself into, I make pro/con lists. They usually don't really dictate what path I choose because I never do anything that makes any sense (which is probably the cause of my love life disasters) but they give me a perspective of a guy that I probably wouldn't see.

For instance, this is one similar to a pro/con list I've made before:

Pros:

cute
great taste in music
lives close by
really nice
known him for a while, knows me pretty well

Cons:

afraid of commitment

As you can see, my lists are usually a little lopsided, but the con list usually points out something that I would try to overlook. Writing it out grounds me a little. And I think that's why I do it. Ground myself. Settle down.

My two pro/con lists this time between the crush I have and the boy who professed love for me have led me to one thing: the crush wins. I'll keep my crush. Not get blinded by impossible situations with impossible boys and just be giddy for a while. Even if it never develops (one of the cons being, "may just see me as a friend") I'll still be happy. It's better to just make a decision and be happy with the outcome either way than get wrapped up in a situation where I can get hurt just because the idea is enticing.

well that was a fucking curve ball.

2010-06-28T19:27:00.000-07:00

After announcing my cute little crush, I had an interesting conversation with someone I never thought I'd really talk to again. Hello little curve ball from left field.

After breaking up with the on again off again boyfriend of the century, I had a hook-up, so to speak, with a guy who is nothing short of dreamy in every sense of the word. For instance, if you looked up my dream guy in the dictionary, his pretty little picture would be there like "oh hey, amy, 'sup?" This guy with all his sexy-ness will remain anonymous, like every other man I have previously discussed. However, I cannot give a whole lot of information about him either because the situation is DEFINITELY on the down low. At least for a while.

However, I had a late night conversation with him the other night which led me to many many many questions regarding men. The started out like any other late night chat with him establishing how drunk he was and commenting about how it was soap night at the club and I should have been there. (Damn, I wish I could've been there.) Then it got a little interesting. He ended up stating that he really liked me, despite a little falling out we had that was way over-dramatic and the result of alcohol consumption (of course).

The rest of the conversation circled around the idea that he'll be visiting my school in the fall and we need to test the waters again and see how well we mesh together for the two weeks he'll be in town. Of course, I agreed because I would be stupid if I didn't (in my opinion) because despite the difficult situation surrounding the entire thing, this guy is fucking dreamy, as I've established before and cannot begin to describe fully. There are just no words. He then went on to say that he will possibly be attending my school for my senior year (the whole thing) and that we could be together for the entire year. Le sigh... As far away as that is, I turned into a little ball of mush. Oatmeal.

Of course, I spent my entire next day freaking out. FREAKING OUT. Because shit like that just pops out of no where and kind of stirs things up. Only in my love life, I swear. (I have never had a normal love life according to people I've known since early years of high school, and I cannot agree more.)

I ended up talking to a sober him and confirming that, indeed, he meant things he said and that the alcohol was more of a social lubricant for the situation because he is "shy." I have a hard time believing he's shy but perhaps he is like me and seems really really outgoing but has a hard time discussing important matters. It takes a lot of self encouragement for me to be able to talk about things that actually mean something but I could small talk your ear off all day long.

Needless to say, I've been floating around in a little cloud bubble these past few days, despite being sick for two of them. I've just been a level of excited and freaked out that no one can imagine. I mean, even though the issues surrounding the whole thing are absolutely insane, I've been there before. Nothing I haven't seen before.

I think I enjoy having a crazy love life. Maybe that's why I'm the farthest thing from settling down possible right now. But HELLO, if I could successfully land this dreamboat, and be swept off to distant lands and exoticness, I would do it in a heartbeat.

So here I am. I can't wait to see him and figure out all this shit when the time comes.

I hope this made sense. I know, I was vague to the max.

thoughts on flo.

2010-06-23T12:59:00.000-07:00

CAUTION: male readers may be grossed out by talk of periods, blood, and panty-liners. If you cannot handle such speak, please hit your "back" button now and get out of my way. Thanks, management.

So this week has reminded me that I need to call the gyno as soon as possible because, damn, being off the pill blows more monkey chunks than I had remembered.

After all the nauseating cramps, bloating, tampons, and the experimentation with panty-liners, I have come to the conclusion that I have mad respect for any women who wears pads in the dead of summer. It's fucking hot as balls and that panty liner didn't breathe worth shit. A ten minute car ride and I felt like i had peed myself. For real, I had to take that shit off as soon as i got to work. I've come to the conclusion that during these monthly days I'm only going to wear black underwear so i never have to experience that again. But not only did I feel like my vagina was drowning in my underwear, but I was wearing a thong, with a regular panty-liner, so therefore, it had to be wrapped. Getting that shit off took more effort than should have been necessary and I almost ripped my goddamn underwear. I kid you not.

On a more ridiculous period note, I've come to the consensus that every woman has probably heard an insensitive prick murmur the words "she must be on her period." Which leads me to think, oh hey, we can't be in a bad mood? Is it not possible that we're just pissed that people like you exist on this earth AND STILL expect to get laid? I'm just saying that no one but a female should have the option of stating something like that, and I'm not sure any girl I know would. Unless you, sir, have experienced cramps that feel like someone just stuck a machete into your stomach or have had blood come out of your penis for several days at a time, then shut the fuck up, let us eat our chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and wait for it to be over.

i got a crush on you!

2010-06-21T19:26:00.001-07:00

In my last post, I talked about how I don't need a man and what not. And i fucking don't. I've been feeling wonderful. Absolutely perfect. I can't even find anything to complain about, which is weird because I tend to complain a lot. I just think I've reached a point in my life where I'm just content being me and after all the shit I've been dragged through these past two years, it's about time I felt good about myself.

Let me get a (virtual?) high five for having GREAT SELF-ESTEEM!

But I have a little baby crush. Just a little baby one. Like the cute little crush that makes me want to plan outfits for when I hang out with him (which will probably be a rarity right now) and so I do loads of laundry just to try them on and make sure everything is just right.

We talk. We talk a lot. And I like it. I love it. I get butterflies.

I can't really blog specifics because he might read this (we are facebook friends, after all) and that could be weird. AND WHAT IF HE DOESN'T "LIKE-ME LIKE-ME" BACK? That would be embarrassing. And awkward.

But all I can say is that if this guy likes me, and maybe he does, maybe he doesn't, either way we're friends and he's hot so just looking at him is fine with me (creeper much?), but I would be ecstatic. I think I may implode with happiness. Because honestly, at this point, I'm okay with being single and just having a good time with just me and some of the girls or whatever, but damn, wouldn't a boy just be the chocolate sauce on top of that chocolate chip cheesecake? I think so. Because I feel like this guy is so freaking nice and damn it. I'm just going to stop there before I start getting saccharin sweet.

Wow. I'm a nerd.

PS. I'm sorry if my happy giddy blog is boring. I have a funny period post coming up tomorrow that will be way better but I needed to get this out first.

Just a little to the left, I think.

2010-06-15T21:31:00.001-07:00

These past few days I've been slacking on the blogging situation because I've been actually working. Trying to make that dough.

But a few things have occurred. Well, more like one really momentous conversation that deserves a mention or so.

And I wouldn't really call it the most amazing conversation ever. It happened over facebook and was awkward as fuck. But it happened. And I had to say it all in words.

What happened was I had to explain again why I want to remain single. After all my bitching and moaning about wanting a boyfriend, I meet someone, go on a few dates, mess around with him, so on and so forth, and then figure out that OH HAI, I don't actually really truly like this person and I don't really want to be tied down in any sort of relationship.

I don't really know why. I'm over the ex. I don't have any sort of emotion there other than "oh, I just wasted so much time trying to repair a toxic relationship that wasn't going to work no matter what." My urge to get laid is pretty terrible. I don't really feel the need for too much "self-improvement" or need time to "find myself" like I felt like I needed before.

I think it's just me. I think I just wanted a relationship because everyone else is doing it and I felt like I needed that to be happy. When really, right now, I'm pretty fucking happy. I'm doing so much right now that I'm proud of: dean's list, writer's conferences, first publications. I'm in a place where I need to be at this time. It's awkward because I'm still in the college bubble but that's where I need to be. I don't need to justify myself with a man.

Wow. That was so feminist it fucking hurt to write.

But really. I'm twenty years old and thriving. I'm doing everything I've ever wanted to do right now. I'm living the life that I was born to lead and why the hell should I just keep dwelling on the man thing?

Having a boyfriend would be nice. But I need to stop dating every guy that pays me a little attention just because I feel like I have to have someone by my side. If someone sweeps me off my feet in six months, great. If it happens tomorrow, which is unlikely, by if it happened, that would be great. But why spend the time I should be celebrating worrying about men and relationships and sex and marriage, picket fences, children, blahblahblah? It doesn't make sense.

I like me. And that's it right now.

That girl hates children! (Point and freaking stare)

2010-06-08T18:37:00.000-07:00

After settling things with the guy about just being friends and pretty much explaining everything, I felt relieved.... for a hot second.

However, I keep getting this really empty feeling. And I really do think it's pretty much the same thing as the last post.

I think it's a deep seeded desire to have someone in my life. A societal pressure to settle down, get married, buy the white picket fence house, and have my 1.5 kids or whatever average the Duggar family is currently screwing up with their unhealthily large family.

I think the reason I bring these assholes up is the fact that I watched like 3 hours of 17 Kids and Counting today. (Oh yeah, the re-runs before the next two kids, including the premie baby that is probably the result of too many freaking pregnancies.) The thing about this family is how brainwashed everyone is and how slutty they make me look. I was watching the two shows about how Josh and freaking Anna were waiting to have their FIRST KISS on their wedding day and I just got incredibly pissed off. Not because they make idiotic decisions to follow in their parent's footsteps and have enough children to start their own branch of the military, but because they are sitting there on their TV show preaching about how the 97%, or whatever botched statistic their dad fed them, of Americans have sex before marriage and how that's wrong. Well fuck you too, but I do what I want and, honestly, I'm not buying a car without test driving it first, why the HELL would I pledge my life to someone without making sure the sex was good first?

Point made.

And now I sound like a dirty whore. I don't give a fuck. Those crazy people just make me mad.

That was a random rant. But I felt like I needed to say it because it's people like that who make the whole world seem to revolve around getting married. I'm just glad I have the chance to get an education and acquire birth control whenever CVS is done screwing me over or whatever (or whenever I make another appointment with the gyno.)

Anyway, happy Tuesday everyone. And wrap it before you tap it.

all these thoughts in my head.

2010-06-06T20:27:00.000-07:00

As of late, I have felt like absolute shit. Just garbage-y.

I ended up sort of "running away" for the weekend to a friend's place by the beach. I needed the time to get away from everything at home. Whatever the hell I'm stupidly doing in my love life, work, the fear of disappointing my parents. Ended up just pissing off my dad for leaving. And ending up even shittier.

I am literally crawling through a rough patch of grass. In the brambles and thorns of roses. They look so pretty. Better not touch.

What I'm feeling mostly is a sense of complete indifference. Indifference toward everything. And what it is, I expect, is boredom.

I feel like every movement I've made these past few weeks has been out of boredom. I am not doing anything remotely logical or helpful to myself at all. If anything, I'm putting myself into situations in which I will end up getting hurt. I hate letting myself fall into places where I will end up getting hurt or I will end up hurting someone else. I'm getting dangerously close to falling into that again, like falling into a cage in the zoo as a tiger's food. Or something along those lines.

I am drifting.

I find myself wondering if I will ever feel strong enough about someone that I will not get bored. Or if I will keep just messing around with people solely for the fact that they will give me attention? I like attention. I like people to listen to me. I am incredibly narcissistic. I need someone to fucking humble me.

I need someone who reads like I do. Someone interested in weird philosophies and smoking cigarettes until our lungs hurt and we can barely breathe. Someone to talk about our favorite authors. Compare reading lists. Drool over used bookstore finds. Argue over my feminist ideas about literature and laugh at my ability to turn everything I read/do/say into a horrible sex joke. I want that. I want nerd love in the worst fucking way.

I think I just need to stop dabbling in these horrendous affairs.

I feel dirty when I do so. A disconnected sort of touch that doesn't mean anything. Is that what we do now? I don't want to fall in love and have sex become empty and purely physical. Call me old fashioned. But don't fucking get me wrong. I LOVE SEX. Dear god, it's wonderful, but where is the line between loving sex and loving the person/people we have sex with? I think that is one line that I don't want to cross. I want to feel something more than just the physicality because, in my experience, the most emotionally charged sex is the best kind. We fuck because we are driven to by our hormones but we enjoy it because of the closeness. I like the closeness. Skin to skin. The blending. I like that.

And I can't have that right now.

cell phone recessitation.

2010-06-02T13:10:00.000-07:00

I usually write about my relationships and how truly insane my personal life gets due to my own insanity. However, today, I'm writing to let you know how my stupidity has once again bitten me in the ass, technologically, this time.

Well, yesterday, like a dumb ass, I dropped my cell phone into a glass of water. I'm not even entirely sure how I managed to perform such an idiotic move, however, the next thing i know, i have a wet phone in my lap and I'm trying desperately to dry it. I managed to get it to work to call the friend I was going out to drink with and then it remained off for the majority of my drunken adventures with a box of wine and Lord of the Rings. (Let's just say we kept it classy.)

I had gotten the majority of the water out last night however, I'm sure there is still moisture trapped inside the vessel. The sweet sweet vessel that allows me to text and make inappropriately late drunk phone calls.

Today, which I have spent the majority of feeling like I got hit by a train and mourning the days when my phone acted normal and I didn't have to switch from qwetry keyboard to the T9 every other word because certain keys refuse to work on each one. It's pretty sexy.

Also, my phone is currently residing in a bag of rice and will probably remain in said bag for several days in the hopes of making it work normally. Otherwise, I have to get a new phone. My dad is pretty pissed, but it's not like I did it on purpose.

Pray for my phone!

fly like you mean it.

2010-05-31T21:55:00.000-07:00

I learned that in order to enjoy this dating thing, I kind of have to put my brain on pause. This past week of "talking" to said guy I've mentioned before has sort of been a learning experience.

I talked to every variety of person around my age. I have had many discussions with the guy. Introduced him to one of my friends. And have analyzed every angle of every movement and it landed me in one place.

I just need to stop thinking so damn hard all the time. I need to just relax. I mean, I always say that I am going to relax but then again, I'm just uptight. Up-freaking-tight.

I suppose you could say it's a control thing. I feel like possibly I need to know what the other person is thinking, feeling at all times. I know it's impossible. I know it's ridiculous and, honestly, super creepy sounding, but that's how I feel. I think I'm so caught up in the idea that the other person is just trying to hurt me that I forget to enjoy it like a normal person.

I remember having butterflies. Fucking butterflies. My butterflies have almost withered away and I feel like I just need to let go of my past. Bad relationship after bad relationship. Cheaters. Bullshitters. Guys who just wanted sex. Guys who were bad at sex. The sexual assault. I let them follow me.

I cannot be held back by the past. I need to let it go. And I feel like I should have already let it go. I've written about it. Talked about it. Presented panels on it. But I let it hold me back. I let it build up fortresses up around me. And that's really not okay.

So what do I do now?

I let myself float upwards like a child's lost balloon. One day I'll come back down. Get grounded. But for now, I'm going to float freely.

See you in the sky.

How does it feel to be on a boat?

2010-05-28T18:21:00.000-07:00

I have vertigo, in case you didn't already know. I've had it for a majority of the day today. In case you don't know what vertigo is, it's like a feeling of spinning in circles. Today, it sort of felt like being on a boat rocking back and forth. Back and forth. All day. Or for the majority of it. I feel sea sick.

I had a little bit of time in the afternoon in which I did not feel like I was moving while standing still, in which i decided to hang out with this newfangled boy I've somehow managed to find. (Technically, he's not a boy. Technically, in this situation, I'm the little girl. But it's my blog and everyone can just suck it.)

We went to starbucks. (Surprise?) and the used bookstore (another surprise) because I didn't feel like driving go karts. (We will have to do that soon because I'm really feeling some go karts but... feeling like spinning in circles and then driving in circles doesn't add up to a smart decision. Am I right?? I think I'm right.

I only wrote this because I'm trying to be a more loyal blogger this summer. Maybe get into the habit and actually be able to continue with this thing during the school year, since obviously I am not very good at that.

all he wants is the boo-tay?

2010-05-27T21:31:00.000-07:00

I've done some thinking (shocker) these past few days and here is what I have come up with:

So I've been talking to an older guy. Not a total socially unacceptable older but older all the same. The thing that has been bothering me horrendously about this situation is his intentions.

First of all, let me get one thing straight. I don't even know what my own intentions are. I don't know if I want a relationship or just casual dating. Not really feeling the whole "friends with benefits/fuck buddy thing" that's become super trendy as of late. I'm just not sure what I'm emotionally ready for as well as physically ready for due to the fact that I move back and forth between the hometown and college-town.

However, with this guy I'm just not entirely sure what he is looking for. Does he just want me as a fuck buddy? Does he want some sort of relationship, despite the fact that I move all over the state several times a year?

After many discussions with both males and females, I have no conclusion reached. (I sound so scientific. HA!)

What I have come to after these discussions is that I'm fucking 20 years old. I'm relatively adorable (trying to not be an egotistical asshole). I think it's just time for me to date and have fun with it. I'm not saying, oh hey, increase my numbers every chance i get. I'm just saying, oh hey, dinner and a movie (or putt putt and ice cream in my nerdy case). Why not enjoy myself? WHY THE FUCK NOT?

All I'm saying is I'll give it a go. Who knows what will happen? I'm just going to sit back, relax and enjoy the ride.

Hang on tight and keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times.

<3

where i fit in these shienanigans.

2010-05-24T11:23:00.000-07:00

After another long blog hiatus, and a visit to see my family yesterday, i had an epiphany. I started thinking about what makes up me (personality, habits, etc) and where i'm supposed to fit inside my family.

my family is large, southern, religious, and loud. i will be the first grandchild to finish college. i've always been a little black sheepish- the "creative" one, etc. i'm also the odd one as far as age. the next oldest in my cousins is 26-ish and my little 12 year old sister is the next youngest. it's almost like middle child syndrome, actually. (although, seeing as it's just me and my little sister, i have no experience with middle child syndrome first hand.)

Yesterday, upon the statement made by my grandma talking about a 36 year old man who never got married, i started to get nervous. After hearing people ask me whether i have/don't have a boyfriend for years and years and statements such as "Amy will never get married, she's going to be one of those exotic writer types" and many similar comments, even from my own mother, i find myself wondering if people will say things about me later in life.

What happens if i don't get married?

I mean, i want to get married. I want to wear a pretty dress and have about six thousand pictures taken of me. I want to spend ridiculous amounts of money on one day of my life, but you know...

I'm 20. Single. Never been in a really long relationship. Slightly insane. And the list goes on.

I wonder if what everyone says is correct. i wonder if i will never be satisfied with a man long enough to pursue a marriage.

I also wonder if it is because of my choice in living a creative life. I'm going to school to be a creative writing major with a minor in children's literature. I'm a little eccentric.

Alas, i must wait and see and pray that I will not be the talk of the town later. How awful will that feel?

several months later....

2010-04-19T20:19:00.000-07:00

while i should be sleeping since these next two weeks might kill me, i'm writing a blog. why? you may ask? well, because today, i got published. that's right, published in print, online and whatnot. it's pretty much a big deal but i'm trying to not be egotistical so i'm not going to speak of it much more.

anyway. boy and i broke up. SURPRISE? i've been rather indifferent, despite i slight sense of lonliness and although i've kind of been ahemmm... seeing a french boy, he's leaving in approximately two weeks and therefore.... it's rather useless to get excited over. i'm just trying not to care about anything lately. it's this big long game of "oh hey. if i treat everything with a hint of bitchiness and indifference, it doesn't really matter and i can just go on living my life like a quasi-normal person. although, all i really want is to fall in love, get married, buy a fucking house, and have a life outside a college bubble of dorm life, greek life, and ridiculous life here. i like it here, don't get me wrong. i have amazing friends, a life that doesn't revolve around what my parents want and where they want me to be and i have a sense of myself inside this bubble. but i just want more. MORE MORE MORE.

perhaps THAT'S what's wrong with me. my obsession with MORE. not material more, although i have more clothes than i could ever wear and more crap than i know what to do with. i just want more out of life. er... correction... more out of my love life that doesn't have to do with increasing my number of sexual partners for another failed relationship. because with every partner, there is the ever increasing bullshit college rumor about being a whore. i have not yet heard such things about myself, but god knows what people say behind closed doors and i'm trying to keep it low in general. fuck. little four letter word that means a whole hell of a lot in the end. more. another one of those dirty four letter words. sometimes, i wish things like that didn't matter, but to be honest, my indifference will wear off and i'm wondering how much longer i have to ride the wave.

Amy

formspring.me

2010-02-26T21:48:00.001-08:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/amesplaza

On turning 20.

2010-01-27T14:10:00.000-08:00

I will be 20 on Tuesday. One more year to the birthday to end all birthdays, most likely (good chance I may DIE on my 21st.).

However, I have no plans for this weekend and there will be no alcohol consumed on my birthday or the day prior to it because: 1. I have a test on my birthday. 2. I leave the days after to go to a writer's conference.

I really don't know what the fuck I'm doing to celebrate it. Apparently, I'm not throwing a party, which kind of sucks. There won't me many around here because of rush and quite frankly, it'll probably end up with me drinking vodka by myself and ending up watching weird documentaries on YouTube at 3 am.

I am a terribly negative person.

Preferably, I would like to get trashed and celebrate my birth with a few awesome people. God knows.

Honestly, all i really fucking want is to be taken out to dinner by my boyfriend. And roses. I've always wanted a vase of red roses. That's pretty much it.

I also enjoy wine. Red wine is sounding rather delicious right now, although I'm not sure how well it'll go with the chips and queso I just ate from the mexican place I live above. (keep it classy as FUCK!)

I just thought I'd fill you in so you can take shots in honor of me on Tuesday. Pour some out for your sober homies!

<3 ames plaza

grandma's rolling over in her grave.

2010-01-07T21:35:00.002-08:00

I've realized that as the bank account dwindles, so do morals. It's not something that's incredibly uncommon. I see it all the time, shoplifters, bank robbers. I'm not saying that all bank robbers are poor and desperate, there's a good percent that are just greedy. And greed sucks, but I'm guilty of it. Everyone is guilty of it. But what led to that incredibly vague and not well thought out tangent is the fact that my own bank account is getting close to empty, despite my job selling lotion. (It rubs the lotion on its skin.)

Yeah. I applied to be a suicide girl. Not sure if being rejected is a good or a bad thing. Five hundred dollars a set would be nice. Being nude on the interwebs probably wouldn't be so nice. I mean, I would use a WAY different screen name, keep it on the DL. But, to be honest, I think it's just the desperation talking.

I'm not really sure...

I think I should consider it a blessing that I was rejected. Keep my pants on and my dignity in tact.

GO AMES PLAZA! Keepin' it classy one day at a time.

-Amy

Write or Die.

2010-01-06T19:02:00.000-08:00

Well, I just realized how completely unproductive I've been this past break. I started two seperate stories. Neither one of them are complete, or anywhere near complete.

So I figured the best way to attempt to motivate myself would be to force myself to write- and here we are!!

This isn't really the most interesting thing anyone could read, but it's just a way to make me work, almost as good as the website, Write or Die, which i found a while ago. It's pretty interesting and creates a space in which your entire focus is writing. However, I feel uncomfortable working out of my comfortable Microsoft Word document, despite how much I truly hate the new Microsoft Word. (BRING BACK '97!!!)

But I'm going though my writing books, so I'll leave you with this boring blog post until next time- tomorrow?? a week from now?? Oh my lack of motivation is a killer.

-Amy

jeez, mom, can't you see i'm writing in here?

2009-12-14T20:53:00.000-08:00

The title of this post has absolutely nothing to do with this post. Except for the whole writing part. Other than that- nope.

Today, I have begun a new -hopefully- book. I finally figured out how to portray myself as a character. Never done that before. I made it my mission, in a way, to be able to do this. I had a conversation with the boy over summer about myself, who I am, who I need to grow into, and I realized that I didn't really know myself well enough to write myself as a character- not because I didn't have a voice, because that's apparent, but because I honestly was so stuck I had no idea who I was, what I wanted (which I still kind of don't know that) and how to just be me.

So.......

I spent some time, a lot of time actually, working on this. It took me a while, a very dry spell in the world of my writing, but I finally figured it out.

And now, I just hope I don't hit a dead end 5,000 words in, like I usually do.

<3

Amy

we're doing it for the FAME.

2009-12-13T12:56:00.000-08:00

I've done some thinking about my life, as usual. (Raise your hand if you've heard me say THAT before.)

I've come to the conclusion that I want to be fucking famous. Not like Paris Hilton, I made a sex tape and now people like me because I make poor life decisions and my daddy buys me everything, but a self-made famous person. I don't want to be movie-star famous or pop star famous, so Miley Cyrus can keep being Hannah Montana and not worry about me trying to steal her fame- even if I kind of wish someone more talented would come along and knock her off the face of the Earth. I want to be famous for what I do- writing.

I guess, basically, I don't really want fame. I just kind of want to be noticed. I'm so used to be a background image that honestly, thinking about this makes me a little depressed. But I'll get there. I'm just going to keep blogging, keep tweeting, keep writing my query letters, keep writing my stories and poems and books and pray someone notices me.

HI! I'M OVER HERE!!!

<3 ames plaza

Your nerd is showing.

2009-12-12T11:04:00.000-08:00

Since I've been back home, I've been working hard at my writing again. I started, yet another, overhaul of my novella Caroline and Harry. I think it's starting to get to the point where I am beginning to hate this thing. I just kind of want to chuck it out a window. Or get it published- preferably the latter, but obviously, it's not as easy as saying "Oh! I want to get published today! Let's do it." Doesn't really look like that. Instead, I get a mailbox/inbox full of letters such as:

"Sorry to say, we will not be using this submitted work, and do wish you the best of luck with it elsewhere."

-or-

"We appreciate the opportunity to read your work, but unfortunately this submission was not a right fit."

Love it, right? eh. I guess it's just something you get used to and it's just another push to make me want to be a better writer.

Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.

<3>

Oh, darlin'.

2009-12-11T20:29:00.000-08:00

Well, after an exhaustive semester at good old Longwood University, I'm back home, sitting in my bed with my dog, relaxing. It's about time.

But before coming home, I had a few of the most interesting weeks of my life. I somehow managed to set myself up on my own blind date, which was only because I had enough to drink the night before that I still am trying to patch my night together- NOT TO MENTION the fact that I walked in on my suitemate showering in order to throw up in the toilet. What a wonderful morning/night.

Dated said blind date man.

Ended up deciding against it for several reasons:

1. He wanted a non-label relationship. For starters, this just feels like a cop-out. Other than that, it basically means he can go out and fuck other girls and I am not allowed to be mad because there's no title to fall back on. Plus, it just makes me feel cheap and used. It's just shitty, and honestly, I'm not falling for that shit anymore. If it's not official enough for me to change my facebook relationship status, just kiss my ass.

2. It would not last past May. Basically, he graduates in may, and he made it very clear that he doesn't do logn distance relationships. So, not only did he not want a labelable relationship, but he wants to only have something convenient? Pretty much, I'm some kind of living breathing sex toy?

Urm. Let me contemplate this for a second... NO THANKS.

3. FINALLY, this one is kind of a doozy, especially when added on top of the previous two. I'm not going to announce my number of sexual partners to you, but I would just like to say that if you multipy mine by 5 then add 2 you get his.

Yep.

However, I would like to say that I feel really bad for making him sound like a total douche on my blog. He's actually a really nice person and I'd like to remain friends. You know, JUST FRIENdS. heh.

Then there's the small matter of fact that I'm kinda....

still...

in...

love.

So I had a talk with Mr. I-fucked-amy-over-so-many-times-I-can't-even-count-but-I-apologized-and-now-I-have-to-completely-earn-her-trust-back and we're giving it ONE LAST GO because BOTH (not just one) of us are ready for relationships. And I can't say that anyone is really supportive of this endeavor, however, somethings don't fucking make sense.

And when have I ever really followed my own sound advice? Or really done anything someone's told me to do?

I just can't fucking help myself.

<3 ames plaza

17. Reading, Writing, and Wingshack.

2009-11-13T13:03:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm thanking little baby jesus and all sorts of pagan gods and whatnot for it FINALLY BEING FRIDAY and the fact that I managed to churn out a really short piece of fiction for a reading tonight. Yeah, it's time for our nerdy creative writing asses to walk over to wingshack and informally read poetry and all kinds of that whatnot we call writing aloud while getting rowdy and watching Gills get really drunk.

These are, again, things you probably don't care about.

But I really did write a piece of fiction today. It's really really short but I'm rather proud of it and damn, if I FINALLY came up with a good title for once. Oh! I just feel so witty! But I wrote it during my American Literature class just before we had to re-write Poe's "The Black Cat" from another point of view. My group wrote from the poor unfortunate cat's point of view, as a gangsta. With an "A".

East Coast for lyfe!
Ames Plaza

17. at least i'm not pregnant. is that a witty enough post title for you?

2009-11-11T17:40:00.000-08:00

Well, it's fucking pouring outside and to top off the lovely weather we're having, it's windy as hell and my vagina is bleeding.

Yes. I am female, and that shit happens. Isn't it just the cutest thing? NOPE. nothing cute about that shit.

Basically, I'm super tired and PMSing so I feel bad for the person who just sets me off because I'll probably rip their skin off then stomp on it angrily in my high heels. It's a possibility, so for the next two days everyone should be nice and offer me coffee and/or chocolate when I appear somewhere. Or just be nice to me. I can deal with that.

There really isn't any point to this post other than a rant about my vagina bleeding. At least I'm not pregnant.

-Ames

16. The Fucking Friend Zone

2009-11-10T09:39:00.000-08:00

You know what really sucks? Finding out the guy you've been seeing has 3 GIRLS ON CALL. I mean, yeah, I found out after we had parted our ways, therefore, giving me an even bigger reason to consider him a total douche. I think cheating is really low. Super low, in fact. And damn it, I really hope he wrapped it before he tapped it because, to be quite frank, one of those girls seems really dirty, and obviously doesn't take any pride in her appearance.

But I'm honestly done being angry about that. I'm just moving on with my crazy busy life and just pushing through one day at a time. It's really hectic, but honestly, I'm not sure what I would do if I wasn't so busy. I mean, I'd probably just be drunk a lot more and I'd rather save my beer money for the weekends.

The main point of this post is about getting back into that crazy dating game bullshit.

I hate that limbo of just meeting someone and you really don't know anything about each other and it's so awkward but there's still all that potential for a relationship. I don't know. I feel like the guy I've sort of been talking to has put me into the "friend zone" which I have determined is bullshit. Maybe I'm just crazy and pissed about this because I'm PMSing, because I am, but I'm not entirely blaming my insanity on PMS.

I HATE the friend zone. However, I find myself incredibly guilty of putting people into the "friend zone." This also makes me wonder what constitutes a "friend zone?" Are you in the friend zone when neither one of you has romantic feelings toward a person or is it only when one person has feelings and the other doesn't? That's an interesting thought. I guess we all put people in the friend zone unconsciously on the daily and we only notice when we ourselves have been placed in the category of "friends" with someone we'd rather just get naked with and change our facebook relationship statuses from "single" to "in a relationship with Johnny Football captain super hottie."

I'm honestly not sure whether or not I've been placed in this category by "Mr. Super Cute Guitar Playing Indie Kid" but there are certain things that lead me to come to this thought, then there are times when he says stuff that makes me wonder in the opposite direction. Again, I'm OBVIOUSLY reading FAR TOO MUCH into this situation. But seriously, who asks someone for relationship advice then offers to tie you to a bed? As awkward as that sounds, it's kind of how things look at the moment. I suppose in this college limbo of a "dating world" which is kind of awkward and strange and recycling sexual partners is far too common and drama is rampant, I'm not sure, and honestly, I think I'm okay with that.

I'm happy. For now.

At least, I'm happy being single.

<3 Amy

#. All the single ladies.

2009-10-13T16:10:00.000-07:00

Well, i forgot what number post this was, so fuck it.

Anyway, I'm single, again, and I was loving it. Until about fifteen minutes ago when i realized how utterly lonely i feel. It's honestly a little pathetic. I mean, I should feel fucking empowered for breaking up with someone who wouldn't commit to anything with me, would tell me I needed to change and all kinds of bullshit, but honestly, i just feel lonely.

Typically, after a shitty break up, I start another shitty relationship- the "rebound" to be more specific. But this time, I decided that I wasn't going to do that, had an adult conversation with Mr. Potential Rebound, and ended up alone. Wonderful. I decide not to use boys like tissues and here I am, sitting in my dorm room, by myself. I am pathetic. Now, Mr. Potential Rebound is seeing someone else and I'm writing a blog about how lonely I am. Can i please reiterate how pathetic my life is turning out to be? I think i'm just going to go smoke a cigarette and pretend that everything's perfectly fine, because that's what I fucking do.

I tend to put on this fucking mask, as if everything's okay, even when it's fucking not. I haven't even been able to open up to my therapist this year. I guess i'm just treating all of this shit like it's not fuckign happening. I mean, I'm typically too busy to have the time to be upset or lonely, but damn it, I am.

All my friends, expect for a few, are in relationships. I'm sick of being in the la-la land between relationship and friendship with people and i'm already sick of being single. I'm sick of being everyone's cool single friend. I really do feel like i'm going to turn out like Carrie Bradshaw on Sex and the City. Wonderful.

I just want to be happy with someone. But no. I'm either lonely or annoyed by the shitty situation surrounding a pseudo-relationship. FML. Anyone else in this shitty situation? Because honestly, I feel like I'm the only one being eaten alive. I no longer have someone near me constantly. I'm in this alone, it seems. Fuck. I don't know how i'm going to do this. I think i've forgotten how to be single and with the whole seuxal assault trauma bullshit, i feel as if dating is going to be so much harder because the lat guy i saw knew all along. Having to explain my shitty views on sex and other things makes me nervous. I don't want to do it, but i have a feeling i'll have to. Out with the old, in with the unknown.

Maybe once i get over this shitty hump, I'll be all right. But for now, it just sucks. I hate just sitting here on my own. I'm going to smoke.

<3 amy

14. god it's taken me this long?

2009-09-09T18:00:00.000-07:00

I kept telling myself that I would blog. But what did I do? I got my wisdom teeth out and was on vicodin for a week and couldn't eat and was therefore far too angry to blog about it. Then i went on vacation and just didn't get enough of a fuck about anything other than how to sneak a cigarette in a house of fourteen people. (Fourteen is probably too many but I don't feel like counting.) Then school started up again so I had to get readjusted to this crazy fucking life I live here.

But with my schedule, I cannot guarantee a regular posting schedule. I'm just trying to keep my head screwed on. Yeah, I'm that busy. Can't drink on weekdays kind of busy, at COLLEGE. Somethings are just a little more important than getting trashed on a Tuesday night. Anyone agree with this statement? Probably not if you're my age and in college. I suppose it'll happen once or twice. But I'm not trying to make it a regular thing. So far, I've had a casual drink with a friend or two but i save it for the weekend, if I'm not too incredibly busy then either. I suppose i just have to keep my priorities right and just keep chain smoking until I can't breathe anymore.

Basically, that's how it is.

But here's what going on in my life now. Not that it really matters. I mean, I'm small. There's just one of me and 6 billion other people on this planet.

Yes. Me and boy took a break. Now we're talking again. But I'm not trying to get my hopes up to high about it, even though I swear to God i hit the ceiling when I think of him.

I'm going back to therapy on the 17th. That's the earliest appointment I could get, possibly because i waited two weeks to make it. It took a realization that the guy has keycard access to my building on campus because of his fraternity's chapter room in order for me to have a panic attack that warrented me calling the counciling center. I called immediately after I calmed down enough to breathe evenly. I'm going to get over this, or at least come to terms with what happened and develop a healthy way of coping with my issues. I suppose all the methods i've been using all these years have taken their tolls on me. I'm tired of covering scars, coughing up a lung, exploding in fits of tears, bottling up emotions, etc. I'm going to do something productive.

I am in a more stable emotional situation. I think I just needed to get out of my house. I think it's just a matter of not having the freedom to make my own decisions in that environment that stressed me out so much. Yeah, I've made horrible choices in the past and I'm going to continue to make mistakes but I'm growing up. I'm growing the fuck up! Ugh. I'm going to turn 20 in February (scary).

But I suppose that's a good game of catch-up we just played.

-Ames Plaza

ps. I'm OBSESSED with the song "the call" by regina. listen to it and love it.

13. Normal is not the correct adjective here.

2009-07-30T11:09:00.000-07:00

I've come to the conclusion that dating in college is pretty much the most difficult thing I've ever had to endure. First of all, going to a school that's 2/3 girls creates that competitive atmosphere and the girls that get the guys all look the same, have the same hair cut ans style and look like barbie dolls after they put on make-up. It's frustrating, especially in a school that's incredibly Greek. Considering I will NEVER go Greek, I am not quite as "out there" possibly, or I don't "understand" the lifestyle. Whatever.

I also have more issues than God, which is certainly a deterrent. Yes, I've had shit happen to me and I'm going back to therapy to resolve them. Hell, I have a vomit phobia so severe that I'm terrified to go to a conference with my internship because we have to fly and I'm petrified of having someone get air sick near me. I'm so petrified, it keeps me up at night. I'm not afraid of the actual flight, just the vomit that could result from it. I plan to work on this in therapy also.

There's always the option of dating someone form back home, but considering most of the guys here are either compete rednecks or assholes only looking for some ass, I think I'd rather be single. Along with the dating guys from places outside of college comes the loneliness of not being able to see your significant other all the time. I'm done with long distance relationships.

I mean, right now, I'm still in my complicated relationship thing, but I think that it won't last much longer. As much as I don't want to admit it, I fucked it up, again. I suck. Great. I really don't want to talk about how I fucked it up because it's stupid and embarrassing.

But my main concern with college dating is that my reputation stays in tact. I'm not a whore. Really. However, I haven't had a boyfriend for two years so yeah, I've probably slept with more people than the girl with the long term relationship. I'd love to have that relationship, a long one that feels right. However, I keep finding myself in these shitty ones where one of us feels more than the other and it ends up biting us in the ass.

Btw, if you have anything to say to me about this, go fuck yourself. I don't need people in long term relationships judging me, as i feel always happens.

And I'm also looking for cool single friends who don't talk about their significant other 24 hours a day. Because I'm honestly sick of it.

That was bitter but some days I'm not all peaches and fucking cream. Okay? I got blown off today. Go fuck yourselves.

-Ames Plaza

12. knock knock.

2009-07-26T21:16:00.001-07:00

So, today I had a conversation with my mother about the opportunities waiting for me out in the world. I have a great internship that I can't decide if I'm more excited or terrified by it. With this internship, I will get to learn important skills needed in the world of publishing, a world I hope to break into at some point. This internship will also be a deciding factor for me, allowing me to figure out if publishing is right for me.

My poetry professor talks about a "life of letters" and how these lives of letters that writers lead are different for each of us. Each person chooses a different path. I'm just trying to decide which path I'd like to travel down. So I've begun to narrow the choices down slowly through process of elimination: 1. I will NEVER be a teacher. Ever. EVER. It's not for me. 2. I will not live in my parent's basement. I will not live off ramen noodles.

I wanted to make today's life improvement about my future as a writer. I have been sending off letters to literary agents and publishers since I finished my first manuscript during my freshman year of high school. What's different about today is the fact that I have never looked at sending these letters as more than opportunities to be rejected. So today I am making a list of the publishers i have sent letters to then deleting my rejection letters from my inbox and throwing away the rejection letters from my desk drawer. It is time to start seeing these rejections as not a judgement of my writing based on a letter based on a book but to see them as pieces of paper that can easily be thrown away. These pieces of paper are nothing but pieces.

What I would like to stress though, is the fact that without rejection, getting that one hopeful letter or phone call would not be as special and would not call for a night of shitty wine (that is preferably NOT from a box).

I would also like to thank everyone for putting up with me when I decide to "quit" writing, as this has happened at least once a year since my seventh grade year. If you've been around for one of these days and witnessed me dragging a giant box of writing around my house, trying to find an appropriate place to discard all my writing collected through my life, good and bad. I'm not promising this will never happen again, but I am promising you that I'm am trying to make an effort not to take any of this to heart. It's a brutal world and I have my whole life to try to get sucked into it.

From now on, I will keep pursuing publication, keep trying. And for now, I'll keep blogging, because there's no better way to find myself than doing something I love. And there's nothing I love more than writing. Not even chocolate or or coffee or cigarettes or sex.

-Ames Plaza

11. Brain renovations.

2009-07-24T22:10:00.000-07:00

Pardon my dust as I've just begun a brain renovation. It's time to get rid of some of the things I've been holding onto and develop a new outlook.

Methinks it's going to be a bumpy ride. Keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times.

First of all, I was utterly disturbed today after watching "He's just not that into you" and I've decided to rid myself of the bizarre obsession I have with weddings. Basically, the entire movie consists of women driving themselves to the brink of insanity because they're single or not married. Let me just point out that a woman does not need a man to make her happy. There are plenty of opportunities out there in the world for happiness to be so obsessed with men and marriage. I'm nineteen years old. I'm really fucking young. Why the hell am I so obsessed with wedding dresses and scouting out locations for the ceremony while keeping in mind the potential locations for receptions? Do you see how ridiculous this is? I cannot even imagine being married right now. I mean, sure, in 3-5 years I'd be happy to settle down if the right guy comes along. I mean, yeah, I'm seeing someone now, but who knows where we'll be in a few years. We're both young. So for now, I'm just going to have fun in this sort of relationship, stop worrying about it, and just enjoy my youth. I'm not going to be nineteen forever, hell, it's my last year as a "teenager." I need to stop freaking out about my future love life and enjoy my current one. I'm in college. No need to worry about marriage yet. So I'm officially unbookmarking the wedding dress websites (after one more quick, indulgent look) and just being happy with what I have. Best move I could make right now.

Basically, that's what I'm doing away with today: Wedding obsession.

That feels better.

-Ames Plaza

10. Hello World!!!!!!! (It's not you, it's me.)

2009-07-23T20:42:00.000-07:00

Since a conversation I had a couple of days ago, I've been thinking a lot about who I am, what I want to do with my life, who I want to grow into as a person. My boy/person/thing sat down with me and told me that he thinks he's hindering me, that he's the reason I don't know the answers to these questions.

After serious consideration, I've discovered that it's not him. It's me.

I am the reason I don't know myself.

So, I've decided that in this blog post, I'm going to tell you a little bit about myself. I know you probably don't give a flying fuck who I am but I think it'd be nice just to say a few things that I do know for certain about myself.

1. I like to write. I've always loved to write. Lately, I've had a little bit of writer's block, but I'm trying really hard to write something everyday. Today, I wrote a really shitty poem about ballet. I have a weird fascination with ballet, even though I quit ballet in kindergarten after a month and a half.

2. I like indie stuff. I love indie music, indie movies, blahblahblah cliche. Everytime I see the commercial to 500 days of summer (new movie, in case you didn't know) I get all bubbly inside. I'm a sucker for sweet songs on acoustic guitar and boys with emo hair cuts and glasses.

3. Don't get me wrong. I like a lot of fucked up things too. My favorite author is Bret Easton Ellis. Or Sylvia Plath. First of all, Sylvia Plath killed herself with a gas stove. Second, Bret Easton Ellis has written the only book I've read so far that has physically made me nauseas.

4. I cannot deal with stress. I bottle up my feelings until something sets me off and I explode. I recognize this as a serious problem. It will kill me if I don't do something about it. So i'm going back to therapy once I get back to school. Yes, I'm going BACK to therapy and I'm fucking proud of it. Suck my penis.

5. I don't really have a penis. It's a figure of speech. Kthanks.

6. I am lazy as fuck. I need to start doing yoga again. I'm thinking that doing yoga will also help me to relax a little bit too. I need to just get off my ass and do something. Clean, dance, do something other than just sit around all day pondering what my life will be. Might as well live it, right?

I think that's enough for now. Perhaps I'll continue with this some other time. Or perhaps I'll just start using this blog to keep myself from bottling up so much emotion. I think the post i made yesterday about my credit situation really helped because it's really not bothering me as much as it would have. I think starting this thing was a really good idea.

-Ames Plaza

9. Give me some credit!

2009-07-22T11:44:00.000-07:00

It's been a few days since my last post but I have a feeling that this one will be rather long, making up for lost time. Yippie!

So, I woke up today to my phone ringing off the hook. I answered it and was promptly told by an unnamed debt collector that one of my hospital bills from October had not been paid and that if I did not pay that amount at that moment that my credit would be impacted. The amount of the bill? $96.00. Apparently, my parents only paid one of the bills. Apparently, there were two.

Let me explain why this pissed me off so much.

First of all, let me say that I really don't want to be a political blogger, but for today, I'm going to piss off some Republicans. Just let me say what I have to say.

There are certain things that I do not believe we should have to pay for as far as medical care. Rape kits are one of those things. Yes, that bill was part of payment for my rape kit. I was raped in October. Yeah, it fucking sucks.

How much does a rape kit cost if you don't have insurance? $1200.00. Yes. That number is correct, Twelve Hundred Dollars. My parent's insurance covered all but two hundred dollars of it. However, for a college student, two hundred dollars is still a lot of money. I didn't initially give my insurance either.

Here's how it went down:

After about two hours in the police station on my campus, I was taken to the hospital where i was informed that I would have to give insurance information. My parent's insurance information. Not only is this whole experience with being raped a traumatic experience, but I would have to have my parents find out, something I did not want to do. I begged to be taken home but they would not let me leave without getting the kit performed. So I gave them my school address and laid on a table for forty five minutes having a SANE nurse inspect me. ALL of me.

Welcome to the joys.

It's been months but these bills have followed me. My parents have asked several times about them but i have yet to find the strenth to tell them much other than I wasn't sick and I was onyl kind of hurt. They know i started therapy, which i quit after a month and a half, a mistake that I really regret making. (I'm going back this coming semester to try to conquer some of these issues and try to move on with my life more so than I have already.)

The point of this post is to raise the awareness that girls who have fallen victims to sexual assault are having to pay for their own rape kits. The unfairness of this makes my skin crawl. I suppose if you've never been through something like this, you may not understand the full blow of something like this but try dealing with something so emotionally trying as this.

I'm not advocating total government healthcare. I'm just saying that i do believe that some procedures should be covered, such as rape kits.

-Ames Plaza

8. Sorry this blog post sucks.

2009-07-17T15:15:00.000-07:00

So I believe I promised a better look at my entirely too confusing relationship situation. Here it is for all of those who really give a flying fuck.

Okay, so we've basically been seeing each other off and on since November. It's been tumultuous, to say the least, mostly due to copious amounts of liquor. (Liquor makes us say ridiculous things and cause drama, the leading cause of a college break up.)

Anywho, right now, we're just in a place where neither one of us really knows how things will go from here. He isn't really looking for a really long term commitment, as in marriage, children, buy a nice house in the suburbs, etc. However, he is looking for a relationship. In his own words "if things last, then they last, but for now, we'll see how it goes."

He has, at least dropped hints about being my plus one for my friend's wedding in December.

I don't know. That's basically the gist of it.

But I'm off to edit poetry and possibly make a coffee run or something. I don't know. I might just go for a nice drive to get a few minutes of time to think. (I believe i've mentioned before that i come up with a lot of ideas while i'm driving.)

-Ames Plaza

Sorry this blog post sucks.

7. Say it like you mean it!

2009-07-16T09:53:00.000-07:00

I've been doing some more thinking about my whole relationship situation.

I do believe that what I want is something that seems official, at least for now. I mean, right now, my current facebook status says "it's complicated" because i'm not really single but then again... I don't know. I guess some people could say that having a complicated relatioonship status is a cop-out. It's not really a cop out, though, when you've dated this person before, both of you are wary about the situation and... I suppose you can get the picture.

Actually, you probably don't get the picture unless you know both of us. But I honestly am too lazy to write it all down at the moment. Chinese food is calling my name from the fridge. Next post, you'll get all the annoying details you never wanted. I promise.

-ames plaza

6. why am i not asleep right now?

2009-07-13T23:08:00.000-07:00

So, considering i need to be up at 9:30 in the morning TODAY and it is currently 2:08 in the morning TODAY, I should be asleep, having wonderfully bizarre dreams. However, I'm not. Why, you may ask? Well, i currently have a heating pad attached to my knee. The problem with said heating pad is that the pain in my leg is not confined to just my knee. No... The pain has extended itself from my knee to my ankle. It's like manifest destiny, except the only trail is tears here is the one from my bed to the linen closet, where the heating pad is kept.

But on the subject of sleep,

I've decided that dreams are the coolest things ever. i especially love the dreams i "wake up" in the middle of, but still think I'm in the dream, and therefore begin talking and acting as if i am in the dream. If you have not had one of these yet, you need to ASAP. I woke up one night and thought bigfoot was coming to get me, so i stood on guard for a while. The dream in my first post about my parents dying ended up with me sitting up in bed and screeching then bursting into tears. It's a very surreal feeling when I actually realize I've woken up because the whole dream felt real. Perhaps I'm just a freak, but I thought I'd share.

PS. If anyone would like to teach me to lucid dream, that would be cool too. But i can live without it if no one offers.

-ames plaza

5. it's 2:30 and i'm wearing pajamas?

2009-07-13T11:25:00.000-07:00

I've been working diligently these past couple of days to recoup my writing. I've managed to get the first draft of a poem done and added a couple of sections to Caroline and Harry that might allow the audience to sympathize with the characters more, considering they are harsh characters. I understand that creating a coke whore character and a guy who speaks horribly masochistic things makes my book harder to market, especially since I am not a previously published author. However, i just have to keep revising, re-visioning, re-seeing my piece. Eventually it will be good enough for someone.

In the meantime, I have begun two new projects. One I've currently titled "Blink" (this title will definitely not stay) just because I'm experimenting with the structure of the story. I'm trying to tell it kind of out of order. I have a decent idea of where I want it to go, however, the actual act of writing it is starting to trip me up. I don't know. I think I just haven't spent enough time with these characters. I know Caroline and Harry inside out. I could tell you anything about either one of them. However, these two characters, Sarah and (damn, i forgot the guy's name...) Charlie (had to look it up...), I'm just not as familiar with them. I don't know everything about them yet. I think I'm still getting to know them as I write this. Yes, it sounds psychotic, but get over it. I'm a method writer. It's like a method actor, but highly different, in a sense. I don't have to dress or act like my characters but there are certain times a day in which i can just think like them, mostly when I'm driving around. That's why every now and then i go for a drive- most likely the six miles to downtown, drive around there for a few, then go home. It's odd, thinking like someone else, but how else am i supposed to know these people? I have to create them.

The second project I'm working on is a collection of poetry, which will either be something fun to work on, or will end with me killing myself. I decided that i want to do a series of poems about coffee and cigarettes. I think there could be so much written about them. However, I have to do this cliche topic in a new way. I have officially started this project. If i end up with five poems or a hundred poems, we shall see. Either way, as long as i have something to show, I will be happy.

Sorry this post is so long, I got a little carried away talking about these new projects. I'm a little excited about them, moreso the poetry... I have a feeling the editing process on the new book will be a very very very very long grueling one. Makes me unhappy.

-Ames Plaza

4. this is what it's coming down to?

2009-07-11T22:22:00.000-07:00

It's 1:30 in the morning. I worked a 6-close shift at the local Bath & Body Works, came home and ate a fried chicken breast, smoked a cigarette, and have caught myself watching America's Funniest Home Video reruns and Dance Your Ass Off. I think this is a new low.

However, I did get laid today, so that's a bonus, perhaps? Jesus christ, I hope no one I know personally is following me here. I'm trying to keep this away from anyone at school, just to be able to post tidbits such as "I had sex today" or "I watch embarrassing TV."

Basically, I have nothing else to write. My day was really uneventful and I'm about to go to bed so I can perhaps repeat today's events minus the fried chicken, embarrassing TV, and workings. But perhaps with more coffee. Definitely more coffee in the picture.

-Ames Plaza

PS. I really hope someone finds this blog by googling fried chicken.

3. these are the things he says.

2009-07-10T22:22:00.000-07:00

I've determined that I have picked the world's most complicated male to date. I have been seeing him off and on since November, that's a pretty decent amount of time, and, to be honest, one of the longest periods of time I've dated someone (even if it has been off and on...). But I still can't read him.

I can't tell what he's feeling by his facial expressions or his body language. Partially because he and I have a very different way of feeling. He doesn't attach himself to people for fear of getting hurt. I tend to be the opposite, putting good faith in others, all the while knowing they will most likely hurt me in the future. If I were to compare our emotions by way of a guitar's volume, he feels at a one while I am at a 10 because I'm ridiculous. This doesn't make him callous, it makes him different. Though I find these things harder to understand, there is still something I can't pinpoint that keeps me intrigued. Perhaps it is the fact that I can't figure him out, therefore, I can't be bored with him. I can't be bored with someone who challenges me as he does and I am known for getting bored with guys. I can't stand being around someone entirely predictable and readable.

There is also something else puzzling about this individual that keeps me hanging on. There's just this look that he gives me sometimes. I don't know what it means but it's just this look that sucks me in completely, so intriguing and sensual that it's impossible to describe. Then there are the things he says...

Tonight, he said that there's something about me... the way I dress myself... the way I am... that he can't resist. There's something about me that makes his thoughts start travelling faster than usual.

Coming from someone who doesn't attach, from someone who feels less, from someone like him.... I am stunned.

I refuse to fall in love with him.

-Ames Plaza

2. existential crisis

2009-07-08T09:53:00.000-07:00

I believe I am in the middle of an existential crisis. I even googled it to make sure that "existential crisis" was the correct term because I'm utterly paranoid about using the incorrect term for something on the interwebz.

But back to the crisis.

I am completely at a stopping point. I'm too depressed to write more query letters. To send them out. To open my inbox and find more rejection letters. I have enough rejection letters for Caroline and Harry alone to wallpaper my entire bedroom. I haven't written anything since I had to write poetry for my poetry class. Nothing. Just a few ideas jotted down and two attempts to write a short story. Nothing came of it. Nothing. I think I'm unconsciously afraid to write now because why waste a year of my life writing something that will never get any sort of recognition. I'm so terrified of becoming one of those writers who becomes famous after my death. I don't want to die this unhappy. It just seems wrong to be put into a place where I am questioning the one thing in my life which has kept me from going off the edge for so long. Without my writing, I don't feel like myself anymore... but I don't think I have it in me anymore. It's excruciating. These writing blocks that I have built myself on have fallen out from under me.

Now what?

I'm a fucking creative writing major. What the hell am i going to do with that? I thought publishing would be a great place for me, but then I look at the credentials of people in the publishing industry and everyone went to ivy league schools. I go to fucking Longwood University in FARMVILLE. How the hell am I supposed to compete with a Harvard graduate? A Columbia graduate? for a job? What am I going to do with my life?

I don't know what has come over me recently. Perhaps it's the toxic environment I'm in, where I spend entire afternoons getting cussed out for getting into college and costing my parents a fortune. Fine. I'll fucking drop out. Is that what they want? Seriously, what the fuck am I supposed to do now?

Can someone give me a new life goal?

-Ames plaza

1. Regina Spektor, Failed attempts at writing, and waking up on the wrong side of the bed

2009-07-07T14:45:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning sobbing because I had a dream in which my parents died in a horrific car accident and I was left to take care of all the financial issues with their passing, including paying for my school. After that not so wonderful awakening, I have spent most of my day thinking about my not so upcoming career as a writer and have determined that no one will ever publish what I write. I suppose I am not talented enough? Or perhaps no one is interesting in the dark side of humanity? Sorry but I hate all things inspiration. If the movie is listed as "moving" it makes me want to run away screaming, even if it has Maggie Gyllenhal in it (my lesbian crush).

I have also spent most o fmy day contemplating how I am going to find the male equilavent of Regina Spektor (my other lesbian crush), even though I am in a complicated relationship with someone I worry will never feel anything for me.

Normally, I am not so pessimistic, but waking up in tears can just kind of ruin a whole day and resort a person to starting off a brand new blog with such a mundane attitude. Let's see if i can maintain this one?

-Ames Plaza