Just say it, you're scared.

It has recently occurred to me just how much I live in the present and I'm wondering if I have a fucking future. Well, I have one, but is it going to be interesting, or fun, or amazing, or terrible? Will I get married? Will I have a great job? Will I have kids? Will I travel? Where will I move? I want a life that's interesting and fun but I'm actually getting really scared.

This thought occurred yesterday as I'm laying in bed and I realize just how scared I am of my future. He seems more sure than I am. He want to travel see the whole world. Me? I'm sitting there thinking I'll never have the opportunities to do any of that. I feel like I'm going to be stuck in one place all my life. Even the plan of moving to New York is terrifying because I know that's going to severely separate me from my family. No one's going to want to visit. Maybe my sister. I'd hope at least my sister would visit me.

I'm also having fears stemming from my oh-so-wonderful personal life. I really just want to be happy with someone but I'm so scared. I'm scared of being hurt. I'm scared of being abandoned. I'm scared of distance, infidelity, another broken heart. I'm so tired of ruining things. My past makes me crazy and I'm letting go of the hurt balloons one by one but there are so many and it's going to take a long time to fully heal from everything. Every lie, every relationship gone sour, the sexual assault. I don't want to ruin another good thing. I don't want to ruin it. I, too, want to grow up and get married and have kids. But right now, I think everyone's thinking the same thing about "that Amy girl." I'm too exotic. I'm too smart. I'm too something to get married. I'm not talking now or next year but I want to be married before I'm 30. I'm not one to rush things. I'm not even facebook official with the boy right now. I don't rush into anything because I don't want to get hurt. Maybe everyone is right.

I'm just scared.