If I had an online dating profile

If I had an online dating profile it would look something like this:

Name: Amy E.
Age: 20
Height: 5'5"
Weight: 105lbs

Pretty decent start. Pretty basic. Pretty much says I'm a skinny motherfucker. I can't give blood at the Red Cross and I'm not quite old enough to go to a bar. (6 months, baby!!)

Then I would have to include a picture. I would want to include something that doesn't look staged. Nothing over done or photoshopped that shows I have a sense of humor and that I'm a regular person. It would probably look something like this:
I'm not saying that this photo is the most flattering, however it does show that 1. I'm not a total beast without make-up. 2. I don't take myself too seriously, because let's get real... when you have a dating life like mine, it's all a big joke in the end. 3. My boobs are kinda small but at least I'm skinny and can rock a bikini. 4. I won't be disappointing anyone in the end. I mean, whoever decides this picture is attractive will (hopefully) be pleasantly surprised.

Then we move onto personality, which we all know we wouldn't take incredibly seriously on a dating site. I mean, I don't want someone to know I'm a complete psycho until at least the third date. (That is the allotted time for waiting... waiting to sleep with the guy... waiting to let him know you have your dead cat's head on a post in the backyard because you just like scaring the kids next door... You know, generally.) So I'd pick things that made myself look good. Do I get stressed easily? No! Of course not! I don't frequently burst into tears at the thought of another finals week... I don't waste time doing unimportant things such as blogging and filling out online dating questionaires because they're funny. I DEFINITELY do not get angry easily. I DON'T!

Then we move onto "words that decribe yourself" with a special reminded that I need to "be as honest as possible." Sure. I can do that. I choose words such as "Submissive," "Warm," and "Clever." I'm trying to fool this guy into thinking I'm a great catch. I go on to select "outgoing" and "stable" because we all know that I'm a stable human being. I'm a little "ambitious" too but I don't want to select "very ambitious" because I don't want the guy to think that I don't know my place is ACTUALLY in the kitchen. There are several pages of these. I choose some more: "attractive" (as demonstrated by the above picture), "witty," and "loyal" because I can be a smart-ass but at least I'll keep it in my pants. I'm also "sensual," "spontaneous," and "liberal." Or how about "passionate" and "somewhat moral," as opposed to "very moral," which might make me sound like a nun. I am not a passionate and sensual nun. And let's not leave off "artistic" and "creative."

Then it gets funny.

It asks how my friends would describe me, assuming I have friends. So I make stuff up.

Then I get asked to rate some of the best statements ever: "I tend to think 'outside the box.'" Well. Yeah. I do that. "I have a high desire for sexual activity." Doesn't everyone? "I enjoy a good joke." Actually, I enjoy bad ones just as much. Dead baby jokes are my favorite. "I view myself as well adjusted." Of course! I've gotten quite used to the psych ward, thanks. "I like to look at others of the opposite sex." Well yeah, I like objectifying men. And the mother of all statements "It is important for me to 'take time to smell the roses.'" And by smelling the roses, I mean sitting around in my underwear eating doritos when I should be cleaning, writing, working, or becoming a productive member of society.

I was also asked how often I felt "happy," "sad," "loved," and "plotted against" in the last month. I think we all know which one was the most frequent.

When it started getting into crazy shit like marriage, I decided to bs even further and chose not to read the questions, click sporadically. I may or may not have indicated that I want to have 10 babies with 6 different baby daddies.

Either way. I'm going to find a winner.